Sit Down, It's All In Your Head

I never believed in the ONE.

I truly believe we make connections with people constantly. It's how we make really good friends. It's how you fall in love with that one person's personality and you never told them. It's how you adore the way your coworker trips up on their words when they're talking. Pretty much any example you could think of.

I've always believed that we all are responsible for our own happiness. It's MY job to find fulfillment in MY life. It's YOUR job to find fulfillment in YOURS. All we do is cheer each other on because life is really hard. To be honest with you, I think it's an extremely rare thing to actually find a person that we have ZERO complaints about. At some point, we start make exceptions to our standards because we love people for certain traits that seem to drown out the things we don't like. But you have to be careful, because if you are only after one thing, someday all those exceptions you made will pile up and become a huge problem.

I've always noticed that the best relationships and connections I've ever had was with the people I never spoke to about my feelings. Years later down the road, I've ended up talking to some of those people and it's always the same from their side. (And I'm not just talking about men. I'm really talking about ALL kinds of relationships here.) They always do say that the best relationships are the ones where you can disappear from their life for years, but when you return, it's like you pick up right where you left off.

I've accepted the fact that I'm a good friend to most. And what I mean by that, is that I'm typically held at bay. I'm always the one who people don't talk to for years and when they come back, I sit and listen to their crazy stories like nothing has changed. It honestly wasn't until I started this blog that people really wanted to know what rang true in my head. I'm always the homegirl, the friend, the acquaintance, the girl across the room, etc. I've accepted that I'll probably never be more than that.

It's less depressing than it sounds. I have a love for finding people that I adore or even fall in love with and I don't even say a word. I always tell people, I won't tell you how I feel about you unless you deliberately ask. I know how to put my feelings aside because what is more important to me is having people close to me that I really enjoy without complicating things. Sometimes when we say how we really feel about peoples minds, thoughts, traits, flaws, everything becomes a mess. Some people actually can't handle how you feel. I think it's because expectations usually follow after feelings. Except for me they don't. I don't expect much from my friends or people I connect with. All I want to do is watch them blossom; I just wan't to see them happy. Most of the time, when you have that person you'd love to hang out with and be best friends, or that person you love like family, or that person you fell for, the only way forward is to be around them with how much fate allows. Sometimes you actually aren't that person's happiness. Sometimes it is very possible to meet someone and want to be around them all the time, but they can only handle you in doses. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I prefer not to take people for granted. I have met people who I see as so rare, that I would do literally anything to just keep them around. I can appreciate peoples' characteristics and they would have no idea. It's a weird balance between telling people exactly how you feel because we don't know if we have a tomorrow. But why not just enjoy someone like nothing will ever change? Why completely alter a dynamic when you are perfectly content with the way things are? Maybe I'm just going through a huge shift because of everything that's going on, but honestly, every time I have jumped off the ledge and said how I feel, everything becomes a mess somehow. But If I just soak up the experience of enjoying the people I'm surrounding myself with, things can stay innocent and harmless.

I guess my point is, we don't always get what we want. Cinderella isn't a real thing. Your best friend from high school is probably going to move and you will make more friends. Don't get so wrapped up in one person's soul that you take the others around you for granted. There are a lot of great people out there and soak it up! Nothing lasts forever, so just take in what you can, when you can. Sometimes you can't be around someone forever, but you can definitely enjoy a couple chapters of your life with them and then they will move on their own journey and sometimes that journey won't include you. Our lives are revolving doors and we meet hundreds of people throughout our lives; the least we can do is try to learn something from each of the wonderful people we are around.

I spent a lot of years telling myself I was impossible to be loved. I thought I was impossible to be cared for. I was impossible to be special to someone. Maybe I'm not a damn princess with some beautiful love story and don't get me wrong, people get that all the time! But what I'm not going to do, is take for granted the people around me that picked me up when I was low. The people that helped put me back together when I thought I was broken all over again. I've lived in Alaska for only 6 months and I have a whole village of people who I would jump in front of a bullet for because they helped me assess the damage and reminded me that even though I was broken, I was still beautiful and special and worthy.

We don't always get what we want. We don't always get the American dream that society made up. Sometimes you end up with some awesome friends who may only be around for a couple years. Maybe you fall in love with someone you can't have anymore. It hurts to grow. It hurts to let go. But what's on the other side is really beautiful.

Don't be blinded chasing something when it isn't your time. Just soak in the moment because it may be your last.